The "Expletive-Deleted" Case - Entry 4

I pulled into the Lawson Detective Agency © Brand Driveway and caught sight of Randy waving frantically from the back door. I slammed my car into park and, still pulsating from my encounter with Ms. Shinkleblossom, I jumped the ingoing stairs three at a time before bursting through the door with atypical flair, only to find that Randy had been doing a "bit", and was just frantically waving at me for "fun".

Faster than Randy could say "just kidding", I had him bent backwards over his desk, letting my sweaty rage drip down on him from the tip of my nose...like Chinese water torture, these drips of fury were to slowly indicate, if nothing else, my exact mood in regards to shenanigans. I let Randy go, sure that my point had been made, however repugnantly, and went about gathering up the casefile that had been scattered during the ruckus. I had Randy make up a pot of East-San Franciscan Marble Cat-Eye Coffee, as that was the handwriting-comparison blend, and sat down at my desk, ostensibly to compare Shinkleblossom’s handwriting with the ransom note she had sent in...but then, maybe due to the after-effects of my cinematic escape from that festering old-lady’s lair, maybe due to some psychological impairment, I told Randy to have a cup of my personal-stash coffee as well, sitting him next to me as I unfolded the evidence letter and tendered a sort of half-apology, much to his surprise; I knew that I was very clearly wrong-headed from the earlier brouhaha that left the lingering spectre of Shinkleblossom chasing me down her roadway imbedded in my fragile mind, and I needed fresh eyes for the comparison, even if those fresh eyes were in the head of a moron.

Eagerly, Randy got right to work in his own inimitable way, spilling coffee on the letter and looking at me as if I had done it...exhausted, I abandoned my original plan and sent Randy off to get me a submarine-sandwich, extra olives, green. Immediately after Randy took his leave, I noticed that the first f in [expletive deleted] was the same as the from Tabitha in the letter. I was buoyed, knowing that the f is one of the 15-hardest letters to duplicate, but continued, finding the e in [expletive deleted] to be the same as in embezzlement from the letter, the w in [expletive deleted] the same as in wire-transfer, the combination ing the same in both [expletive deleted] and threatening. I was convinced, as there was no doubt as to the veracity of my skill, regardless of my unfortunate headspace, but the police and the courts would need more than the word of an independent Detective Agency, even one with the much-sought after title of "Cheapest Detective Agency" three years running, so I was to return to that monster’s place to locate more damning evidence, but I was a mess of nerves and fear just thinking about that scenario.

But then Randy returned, holding the most delicious sandwich I had ever seen and the answer to my dilemma.

Entry 5