The Lawson Detective Agency Memo #1

It has come to my attention that this office is a filthy, repulsive mess not fit for even so much as a mongrel with pinkeye and bed sores that make a crate of gutted avocados look like a bed of polished mercury.

Here are a couple of specific transgressions that could, in future, be avoided so that when clients come to visit, they won’t be privy to an office of collective shame that would suffocate the office morale of a more impuissant workforce like six frogs in a bag of carbon monoxide:

-please refrain from leaving dried, sticky margarita-mix on the photocopier;

-do not, under any circumstances, fire up the mini-grille without first properly ventilating the office;

-stop feeding the raccoons...or, failing that, stop feeding them my expensive coffee grounds;

-though tension-relieving in theory, refrain from using the costly leather office chairs and my laptop computer for inter-company indoor Lawsonball contests;

-no more inkjet murals on the white brick walls, as we already have your ink-blot tests on file;

-if possible, leave your diaries at home...or, at least procure a model with a lock that isn’t easily opened with a lighter and three seconds of guile;

-from now on, the cost of renting a port-a-potty to counteract a ludicrously heinous bowel movement falls onto the individual himself;

-company birthday cards will be issued only on the date of birth itself; there will be no more birthday card "advances";

-self-construction of a company gallows is, as of now, strictly forbidden...as is keeping Japanese fighting fish on your desk as a pet if you aren’t going to give them other fish to fight;

-if eating buttered corn-on-the-cob is part of your crime-solving "process", work hard to include napkins in said process;

-the tradition of Monday morning, pre-coffee shin kicks will now be replaced with one solid rabbit-punch at the base of the spine after lunch...except for when a holiday weekend eats up the Monday, in which case a pinky-finger poke in the eye on Tuesday morning will suffice.

These few ideas will allow us to continue to generate the enthusiasm and ardency that the Lawson Detective Agency has come to represent. As well, my shredded shins will finally be given the space and time needed to begin the arduous healing process.

And remember, folks, the magic words: Ten bucks a case.

Plus expenses.