The "Monkeyshines" Case - Entry 10

I awoke covered in soft, white bed-linens and scabbed-over gashes abruptly jutting out from under my hospital-issue green robe. My head began to throb, and I reached up to find a bump the size of a golfball under my left-eye. Randy entered to my right and immediately started filling me in on what had happened, but I remembered the scene all too vividly: The escaped monkeys absolutely decimated that television station.

I was helpless to stop the tidal-wave of simian aggression that was formed into an attack of unprecedented proportions, save maybe in The Planet of the Apes; it was akin to being landed on by 200+ dirt-bikes, if said sport-vehicles each had incredibly sharp fangs and the attitude of a thrice-kicked pitbull. The feces-flinging alone had brought destruction on a level I had assumed to be unattainable. It had taken no more than 30 seconds to understand that my all-purpose monkey-net wasn’t of use for anything other than to bat at the monkeys whizzing past me; I remembered crunching one particularly aggressive monkey in the crotch, the retaliation for which being what had led to my unconsciousness, apparently, as well as the goose-egg under my eye. Randy explained that I was lucky; there was a field-reporter in the adjoining room that was on life-support and intense chemical detoxification due to overexposure of rancid monkey feculent matter.

Looking at me as if I had just poked a puma in the eye, he also asked me why I had gone to Channel 12 at all, as I had already called the cops and they were en route. Hmm, I thought. What a good question. It might have been a good idea to stay away, in retrospect, but I had just one rebuttal for Randy: Where was he when I was under monkey-attack? He shook his head sadly...I knew it was from guilt, and not because I had just done something incredibly stupid that could have been avoided. I told him it was all right, that he needn’t feel shame for not giving me that advice when I could have used it, and he wordlessly left the room...again, overwhelmed by guilt, I’m sure, and not because of the sense I wasn’t making.

Entry 11